THE TIME has come for me to get down on bended knee and convey my heartfelt and most sincere apologies to all members of Limerick City and County Council, management, councillors, and staff alike, who have taken offence at this column since it came to be last October.
You see, a little birdie sadly tells me that not everyone in local authority HQ is overly enamoured with my weekly ramblings. And for that I apologise.
I am very sorry for ruffling feathers, causing unintended heartache, and being a general pain in your keisters.
I am sorry for taking the notion of writing a satirical column on the pure comedy gold that seeps out of the walls in council chambers in Dooradoyle and Merchant’s Quay. I am sorry for pulling the proverbial, and I am sorry for poking the bear.
I put my hands up and acknowledge my transgressions, and ask you to forgive me for my recurring trespasses against you. I am sorry if I have caused you sorrow or to have sinful thoughts about me of a murderous nature.
It’s a tough old station, for sure. Life can be hard enough without some smart-arse making a skit of you.
I am also sorry if I have given the impression that this will be the end of it.
I am a sinner. A man torn between the wickedness and virtue that cuts through my heart. Like John Wick if he liked notebooks and long meetings instead of dogs and killing Russians.
Still, when I hear a local councillor or member of the council executive is down in the dumps because of my sardonic musings, I feel sad too. I am sorry if I have made a jibe that has ever hurt your feelings, if I have ever ruined your day.
Go on, have a scone you’ll feel better.
After word coming back to me that not everyone is happy down in council land about this column, with some plain fed up of my wisecracks, I took time out for some deep reflection.
And so I have decided the best thing I can offer councillors, the council executive, and staff members, is an apology and the confession of my old sins.
I am sorry for last week’s column where I took aim, again, at O’Connell Street. I am sorry being of the view that Sodom and Gomorrah would be more inviting of a Saturday morning after the Friday night before. If these comments upset anyone in Limerick City and County Council, I apologise.
As the man says, I love Limerick. And I apologise for having strong opinions on it.
I am sorry for deeming last month’s – and countless other – local authority meetings as pure panto. I am sorry, though some of ye would do Twink and Myles Breen proud.
I am also repentant for making light of our long links with ancient Egypt and how we would not be commemorating these connections with a revolving prism on O’Connell Street, which is surely in contention for greatest story ever told at this point.
For that little dig, just there, I am sorry too.
I am sorry for suggesting in these pages that Fine Gael councillor Sarah Kiely is partial to a bowl of Ready Brek. She’s more a Weetabix gal. I’m sorry Cllr Kiely.
To my old segotia Cllr Stephen Keary, I apologise for irking you so over my comments on your now legendary four-hour area meeting last November.
I am sorry to all those this column has ever made more work for. Given the right help and support, I know I can rehabilitate and revitalise my ways and be the satirical columnist you all want me to be.
Luckily, I’ve heard a company experienced in long-term revitalisation projects should be ready to take on new operations any day now. Maybe.
