Hey Jude,
I am a 46 year old unemployed separated man. I am a father to 2 sons and grandfather to 3 gorgeous kids. I adore my grandchildren and love to see them as much as possible. I get on with my 2 sons ok, we try to get along, and deep down we do love each other, but we argue a lot. To be honest, I think we are quite similar. I’ve found myself in a rut over the past few years. I was made redundant 3 years ago and I still can’t find a stable job. I don’t go out much anymore because I don’t have the money or motivation to and I’m feeling a bit low. What can I do to help myself?
Tom
Hi Tom,
Thanks for writing in, I’m glad you have decided it’s time to make some changes, even if you don’t know what they are going to be yet! It can be hard sometimes to know what to do to change, because often it feels like there is too much to overcome and overwhelm can set it, and in turn, we do nothing. That’s totally understandable. Of course there are things you can do however, I’ll start by breaking down a few of these things.
First off, I want to draw your attention to how you perceive yourself. Your first sentence is quite telling of that. “I am a 46 year old unemployed separated man.” That’s quite a statement Tom. Look at the details, your age is 46 years, you currently don’t have a job, you were married, now separated. While all of that may be true, they don’t sum up who you are. You’re talking about your age, marital status, employment record and gender. Granted, I might sound a bit pedantic here, but I just want to show you how we can focus on ourselves based on our external status or societal roles, instead of who we are internally. Your history to date does not define who you are as a person. Take some time to reflect on that sentence again, “I am ______”. Are you kind, open minded, shy, cautious, trusting, generous, courageous, loving, protective? You are many things, but you are not what you described yourself as. I believe if you start to look at yourself from a different and fresh perspective, that it will help get you out of that rut and limiting mindset.
The next thing to look at would be the relationship with your two sons, who clearly mean so much to you. You are aware that because of similarities between you there is conflict or clashing of personalities at times. While this can take its toll on familial relationships over the years, I also hear that you realise there is strong love on both sides. So again, take some time to reflect on what you can do together, either the three of you, or time with each son separately. I would suggest an activity that you share a common interest in, something to keep the focus on so that the space for arguments is more limited. Are there any activities that you enjoyed and perhaps haven’t done in a while?
As for not having the money to go out, I understand when your finances are very limited that can impact on your freedom to do the things you enjoy. However, think outside the box here, there are still ways to go out and interact that don’t cost a lot of money. There are numerous men’s sheds around Limerick which provide a social space for men and don’t cost money. There are clubs and groups you can join which aren’t much money either. Check out your local community centre/hall for more information on these. Look at notice boards in shops and post offices near you. Once you start to open your mind a little to what is out there, you will notice that there are opportunities for you to connect with people and bring some meaning and identity back into your life. Try out these few things I have suggested, because if you choose to do nothing, then nothing will change. Best of luck!
