โIT was absolute Hell,โ is how Michaรฉl Rowsome describes life at home when he and his elderly father gave up everything to care for his mother, who descended into dementia and needed care 24/7.
A young artist, Michaรฉlย (34) was living the life in an arts space in Berlin, working creatively and enjoying the challenges and inspiration of one of Europeโs most happening cities.
โI came home for Christmas in 2014 and I was really shocked at how my mother had deteriorated. The terrible thing was, she really believed everything was fine and my dad was under terrible pressure to look after her,โ Michaรฉl told the Limerick Post.
โHe was hospitalised with a heart attack an I realised I had to come home full-time, so I went back to Berlin and packed everything upโ.
Hoe in Newscastlewest, that was the start of a two and a half year nightmare for the family as Kate Rowsomeย went downhill without ever understanding what was happening and fighting allย the way.
โIt was incredibly tough. Some people with dementia can be very calm, happy in their world. mam wasnโt โ she was so agitated and hyper all the time. If we didnโt lock the doors, day or night, she would get out and we had no notion where she might go, If we did lock them she would go climbing the walls trying to get out the window. There were nights in the lashings of rain that she went missing and we were running up and down, knocking on doors trying to find her. There was never a moments peaceโ.
It didnโt help that it was a very long time before the family had any kind of diagnosis of Kateโs problem. โA close friend of hers persuaded her to make a hospital appointment. We really hoped that would help her accept there was a problem but when she came back, she literally danced in the door and my heart sank. She said the doctor said there was nothing wrongโ.
Michaรฉl and his dad were caring for Kate full time and paid for help one hour a day โbut we were on duty for the other 23 hours.โ
The family didnโt get help with a personal assistant because Kate was still able to dress and wash herself.
At one stage, Michaรฉl contacted the public health nurse to come and see his mother, hoping she might understand how difficult it was to care for her. โBut she said that without a diagnosis from a doctor she could do nothing. That was a really lonely moment. This was the public health services saying, youโre on your ownโ.
The family struggled on without even a dayโs respite care for two and a half years. โIn some ways, mam was still โwith itโ and it was very difficult to make anyone understand what was happening. We just didnโt have the energy to cope with filling out forms and fighting with bureaucracy โ you donโt have the energy for it. Youโre just trying to survive day-to-dayโ.
The one day a new district nurse turned up at the house, having been alerted to the situation by a friend of the family and respite was arranged.
โThe district nurses did a stress test on me and she said I was off the scale. After mam went into respite we realised we couldnโt cope anymore. My dad said he couldnโt go back to the way things were. Something was justย broken in us. That was so hard for him to say and itโs a hard thing to put someone you love into careโ.
Kate went into full-time professional care shortly afterwards but Michaรฉl and his dad are still dealing with the fallout.
โI was grieving for losing my mother and having to leave her in a home was dreadful. I visit and she hanging on to me, asking me to take her home As a son, itโs very difficult to walk away and leave her there but I just couldnโt go onโ.
โYouโd be scarred from it (full time caring). We had no time to grieve for her while we were caring for her and thereโs no support for carers around that area, that loss.
โMy main message to carers is, ask for help and accept it. You canโt cope aloneโ.
